The Laws of Attraction

[Dementor]

On 8/10/2022 at 7:02 AM, AquilaTempestas said:

Have you ever wondered why we want people who don’t want us back? You like a person but they’re just not interested in you in that way? And then you’re stuck in a weird headspace where you are trying to get over them but you also don’t wanna lose them either?

I had a conversation with someone about it recently and it’s a fascinating topic. Why do we torture ourselves with unrequited interest? Why do we sometimes run away when someone does show interest? 

Hope is the answer. We hope that they will notice us and be interested some day. Desperate hope.

And why do we run away… Because we are not interested, that person doesn't feel good to us?

[AquilaTempestas]

2 hours ago, Dementor said:

Hope is the answer. We hope that they will notice us and be interested some day. Desperate hope.

And why do we run away… Because we are not interested, that person doesn't feel good to us?

A sad desperate hope : (

[AquilaTempestas]

Coming back to this... Just coz.

Someone at work was telling me 'there's a person out there for everyone. No matter how undeserving you may think you are, there is someone suitable for you that will build you up and bring out the best in you. A person that makes you want to live."

I don't know if I believe in that. Maybe I'm just cynical. Life can be a cruel bitch at times.

You want people who don't want you back. People are just never gonna hold you in the same light. And it kinda sucks when you hear of stories of people that 'complete' each other. I ain't gonna lie - it would be nice to have that sorta connection with someone. 

And then you kinda realize... the person you want? They're too good for you. They deserve someone better. And no matter how much you wish it could be a reality, you know deep down it just can't ever be. Maybe the whole thing is stupid. Maybe I'm just rambling again. This whole idea of longing. It's even worse when people around you are all seemingly happy and have something you'll never understand. You can keep searching yet find nothing at the end of the rainbow. Just a bottomless hole that can't ever be filled and one I'll probably carry with me to the grave.

I guess I've been a fool, clinging onto some sad delusion about a fantasy that can never and will never be. And it bloody sucks and I wish I could just switch it off, but alas, things aren't ever simple. Where to go from here? I honestly don't know. I can't see myself 'switching off' anytime soon.

[AquilaTempestas]

And another post and this one kinda refutes a lot of what was said on my last post.

It’s amazing the influence other people can have on your mindset and perceptions of the world. The way you view your interactions and relationships with other people. Stepping away from those people… it really does open your eyes.

Maybe it will never amount to anything (most likely not) but I can live with the knowledge that what I have is still a hell of a lot better than what official couples have. 

[Dementor]

8 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

And another post and this one kinda refutes a lot of what was said on my last post.

It’s amazing the influence other people can have on your mindset and perceptions of the world. The way you view your interactions and relationships with other people. Stepping away from those people… it really does open your eyes.

Maybe it will never amount to anything (most likely not) but I can live with the knowledge that what I have is still a hell of a lot better than what official couples have. 

This is right.

[AquilaTempestas]

2 hours ago, Dementor said:

This is right.

Yeah, and sometimes it's hard to think straight.

It's an odd place to be in mentally. You dig someone (for personality and whatnot), but you can't ever tell them because you know that same feeling won't be returned. I know people will say "give it a shot - you'll never know if you don't try!" but I'm a bit of a wimp I'm afraid.

All I know is I'm very fortunate that they exist on this planet and I hope they'll continue to exist and be around because the world would be a lot less brighter. I'm just glad that by some random sorcery I've managed to discover them. 

[Nirianne]

Bruh, if you like them, tell them. Sure, the anxiety stands in your way imagining the worse yet honesty goes a long way. And one more thing, be the side that initiates conversations, ideas, etc. It shows you're genuinely interested in someone and would like to carry on this relationship, be it romantic of platonic. 

No one wants to be in a relationship where only one person invests. It's tiring, believe me. Sure, you might not know what to say but there will *always* be something to be said. When you're at this age, you do only live once.

[SilveryMoonShadow]

On 9/20/2022 at 5:48 PM, Nirianne said:

Bruh, if you like them, tell them. Sure, the anxiety stands in your way imagining the worse yet honesty goes a long way. And one more thing, be the side that initiates conversations, ideas, etc. It shows you're genuinely interested in someone and would like to carry on this relationship, be it romantic of platonic. 

No one wants to be in a relationship where only one person invests. It's tiring, believe me. Sure, you might not know what to say but there will *always* be something to be said. When you're at this age, you do only live once.

It's the fear of rejection that prevents people from speaking up - destroying a friendship because someone developed feelings for the other party and spoke up about it. It is tough. It's a lot of 'beating around the bush' and playing the waiting game. Sometimes you don't know if you truly like someone until you've been dating them for a few months. The best relationships come from strong friendships.

[AquilaTempestas]

Have you ever tried to convince yourself that other person was actually pretty cool?

And then once that interest fades away you kinda realize... "Hey. What an asshole?"

It's good to not be blind no more.

[AquilaTempestas]

A friend brought up this topic recently and it got the wires in my brain thinking... Damn. Maybe this is just what was supposed to be. Maybe some people are just meant to be in a relationship and maybe some people just aren't meant to be. I do think our society strongly suggests that people must have a partner to be 'successful' in ticking the 'being a human being' invisible criteria sheet. For a very long time I've believed in 'I was not made to find love'. Somedays, I still believe in that.

Where do I stand on the matter? If it happens, it happens I guess but that clock is ticking. I can certainly see the positives of having 'the other half' and that's an experience I wouldn't shun away. Positives I've been told about - companionship, support and knowing you are appreciated and valued are definitely things I would never say no too. I do cherish the idea of someone who understands my bizarre sense of humour (I'm sarcastic cynical bastard), can put up with my flaws, understands the need for me-time, and open to travelling and exploring the world. A sense of compassion and a sense of justice is also important to me.

I'm open to the idea, but I suspect I'm a walking red flag due to absolutely no experience to brag about. The older you get, I feel the less likely people want anything to do with you. But I'll keep the door open and wait.

 

[Dementor]

On 6/1/2023 at 1:33 PM, AquilaTempestas said:

Have you ever tried to convince yourself that other person was actually pretty cool?

And then once that interest fades away you kinda realize... "Hey. What an asshole?"

It's good to not be blind no more.

Yeah. Been there.

On 10/16/2023 at 9:58 AM, AquilaTempestas said:

I do cherish the idea of someone who understands my bizarre sense of humour (I'm sarcastic cynical bastard), can put up with my flaws, understands the need for me-time, and open to travelling and exploring the world. A sense of compassion and a sense of justice is also important to me.

Damn, too bad you're too far away... and I'm taken already   I'm sarcastic cynical bastard too, and travelling and exploring is my bread and butter.

[AquilaTempestas]

On 10/16/2023 at 8:07 PM, Dementor said:

Yeah. Been there.

Damn, too bad you're too far away... and I'm taken already   I'm sarcastic cynical bastard too, and travelling and exploring is my bread and butter.

If only, ha ha.

On a serious note - What do you NOT like in someone? As in, what is a big red flag for you?

 

[SilveryMoonShadow]

My five red flags.

• Greasy/Dirty/Dandruffy hair
• Smoking especially if they smoke in the house
• Bad acne
• Dirty and lazy. Cleaning the house is not just a woman's job.
• General cruelty/assholery

My green flags.

• Taller than me (not hard to do)
• Clean appearance. Good hygiene is very important.
• A man who can cook
• Good communication. Must love being around people.
• Smarter than me

[Dementor]

6 hours ago, AlaeMortis said:

On a serious note - What do you NOT like in someone? As in, what is a big red flag for you?

 

Selfishness and closed-mindedness. That's the worst.

[AquilaTempestas]

To answer my own question.... I do have standards, but I'm not that difficult to impress. I hope?

 

What do I value?

• Communication skills!
  • I'm not looking for an extrovert, but someone who knows how to socialise and adapt to people around them. You gotta be able to read people and the situation. Know how to strike up a conversation and carry it. Have an opinion.
• Compassion!
  • You don't have to like every human being, but I think it's important to not be anti-people. Care about charities. Say hello to people. Help that old lady walk across the road. Give up your seat for someone who clearly needs it. Care about those less fortunate (like war victims, cancer victims etc). You get the gist.
• A sense of humour!
  • I'm a cynical sarcastic blunt bastard at the worst (and best) of times. This is the sort of humour I respond best too.
• Positive body image!
  • By this I mean actually making an effort with appearance. Don't be a slob. Looking  and smelling like a hobo is not a turn on. Smell good. Have good hair. The usual.
• Creativity!
  • Don't be a bore. Think outside the box. Having an interest in music/writing is also good because creative people are the best types of people
• Travel! 
  • The world is a huge place. Explore it!

My big failures as a human being 

• I, unfortunately, do not have a home of my own as it's way too bloody expensive especially for a single person and currently still stuck helping my parents get by
• I also do not drive unfortunately due to previous horrible experiences that have given me what feels like permanent trauma. I hope to one day overcome this though! Hopefully, being in a more positive headspace will help
• I'm an atrocious cook. I inherited my father's skills when it comes to the kitchen. Big sigh. Cooking Asian foods unfortunately usually means a lot of ingredients.... but I shall not give up! I haven't poisoned anyone yet though so yay?
• I don't drink. Cocktails/mocktails I can do and maybe a small amount of wine, but my stomach is pretty weak and can't handle a lot of stuff 

 

.... I put way too much thought into this.

 

[Dementor]

19 hours ago, AlaeMortis said:

What do I value?

• Communication skills!
  • I'm not looking for an extrovert, but someone who knows how to socialise and adapt to people around them. You gotta be able to read people and the situation. Know how to strike up a conversation and carry it. Have an opinion.
• Compassion!
  • You don't have to like every human being, but I think it's important to not be anti-people. Care about charities. Say hello to people. Help that old lady walk across the road. Give up your seat for someone who clearly needs it. Care about those less fortunate (like war victims, cancer victims etc). You get the gist.
• A sense of humour!
  • I'm a cynical sarcastic blunt bastard at the worst (and best) of times. This is the sort of humour I respond best too.
• Positive body image!
  • By this I mean actually making an effort with appearance. Don't be a slob. Looking  and smelling like a hobo is not a turn on. Smell good. Have good hair. The usual.
• Creativity!
  • Don't be a bore. Think outside the box. Having an interest in music/writing is also good because creative people are the best types of people
• Travel! 
  • The world is a huge place. Explore it!

 

I agree with all of these.

19 hours ago, AlaeMortis said:

My big failures as a human being 

• I, unfortunately, do not have a home of my own as it's way too bloody expensive especially for a single person and currently still stuck helping my parents get by
• I also do not drive unfortunately due to previous horrible experiences that have given me what feels like permanent trauma. I hope to one day overcome this though! Hopefully, being in a more positive headspace will help

 

These apply to me as well.

[AquilaTempestas]

A sense of humour is important!

But honestly, attraction goes up if you can amuse me. 

[BurningAngel]

common signs of 'she's not interested' from a girl by a girl

• not laughing at your jokes
• small talk that feels forced
• ignoring/avoiding you
• doesn't ask you questions
• you're put into the friendzone (she refers to you as a friend a lot)
• doesn't initiate physical contact - always let the girl make the first move otherwise you're a creeper
• she talks about guys she's interested in to you

[Nirianne]

The funny thing about being attracted to someone and finally dating is that sometimes, you want to strangle them for being a butt but you love them anyways for being a butt.

[Nirianne]

All joking aside, growing up, I didn't really care about being attracted to the opposite sex or those of the same gender. But as I matured, ofc, I began to develop and gravitate to people with the following qualities:

1. Humor - I have a dark sense of humor so anyone who can make me laugh and allows me to be myself is a winner. This extends to friendships, too. I don't want to hang around people who evaporate joy from the room. That kills me inside. I adore people dare to make fun of themselves and laugh about it. Nothing serious. Everything is done or played within bounds.
2. Honesty and transparency - Growing older, I greatly emphasize this trait. I value honesty but I despise bluntness. There's always a softer way to get your point across without being a prick. Bluntness is a huge turn off. I value people who are honest about their mistakes and feelings.
3. Communication - Communication is key and I can't stress it enough. I don't care of it's good news or bad news, I want to know it so I or we can plan our next moves. I hate liars.
4. Those who value time - Time is essential as I grow older each second. I value those who respect my time. I despise those who waste it.

I guess that's it. If this question was posed to me when I was younger, the list would be longer.

[AquilaTempestas]

Well one year later, so thought I'd answer the same questions again with a new perspective!

 

How do you get over rejection?

Usually I am the one doing the rejecting but I've been rejected once due to "personality differences". In short, I don't think he appreciated my wicked sense of humour and my love for travel as he did not enjoy such things. What a bore.

 

What does attraction feel like to you?

Warm fuzzy feelings. It's this weird sense of happiness that makes my day so much better. Your thoughts are focused on them and there's that excitement to get to know them better. It could be anything really - a sense of satisfaction when you've heard from them, feeling more confident and so on. 

 

How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

Apparently, I'm a natural flirt without meaning to be as I like to be nice to people and this means banter and laughter in my world. This is the first step in Aquila's Stages of Interest. If we've reached that first level then the next level is physical attraction. If you physically don't appeal to me (and you'll know honest) then interest becomes 0 very quickly and you've just found yourself friend zoned. You don't have to be hot, but you gotta look somewhat physically appealing to me and that includes good hygiene, a sense of style and the like. If you've made it past this stage, congratulations! I'm available!

 

What do you when you're totally not interested?

Time is precious so I don't really spend a lot of 'I want to know you better' time on men that haven't piqued my interest. I'll engage in polite conversation with members of the opposite sex perfectly fine, but if you're trying to flirt with me, and I don't respond, it's because you haven't caught my interest.

 

What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

Uh, intention I guess? Being nice just means ... that. Being nice. Flirty means you're testing the waters and seeing how the other person reacts. It's fun, makes both people happy (that is if the other person is interested too otherwise they'll run in the opposite direction) and it could lead to something.

[Nirianne]

1 hour ago, Queen of Spies said:

You don't have to be hot, but you gotta look somewhat physically appealing to me and that includes good hygiene, a sense of style and the like. If you've made it past this stage, congratulations! I'm available!

This is an important keynote. Hygiene is an absolute must. Can’t stand slobs.

[AquilaTempestas]

Time is valuable and life is short.

I don’t really spend time on people I don’t like. 

So, if you have my time, there’s interest. 

[Dementor]

On 11/18/2023 at 3:09 PM, Queen of Spies said:

Time is valuable and life is short.

I don’t really spend time on people I don’t like. 

So, if you have my time, there’s interest. 

This.

[AquilaTempestas]

Continuing on with my thoughts… of which there seems to be a lot of as this thread is currently dominated by me but oh well. I’m thinking.

People are all wildly different. Talents, personalities, gifts, backgrounds, physical attributes, values etc. Maybe leagues do exist - the ones we make up to stop ourselves from doing something potentially stupid. I’ve been there before - held back by “they’re way better than me” and then you lose them for good.

At the end of the day, it’s important to find someone with whom you can share all of that which make you and not be judged and not feel there’s some barrier in the way. 

I’ve said it before, but I don’t give time to people I’m not invested in. Life is way too short for that.