The Laws of Attraction

[Dementor]

Perfectly described @AquilaTempestas!! Just nailed it.

[AquilaTempestas]

So, my thoughts regarding online communication.

I can’t speak for everyone else, but I always try to reply to people unless the conversation is dead (though sometimes it can be hard to tell). I strive to reply within 24 hours. If I don’t reply, it’s either because I’m sick and therefore in a bad mood, stressed and therefore in a bad mood, in a foreign country, or I think you are a creep and want nothing to do with you. Generally, not replying signals “you’re annoying me so back off please”

For example,  there was a weird period in my life where I was trying this whole dating game thing and met a new guy each week for about two months. I simply did not reply to any of the ones that did not leave a good first impression (which was all but one but that clearly didn’t work out).

That being said, I was raised and taught to reply to messages as soon as emotionally possible. Don’t reply when you’re sick, don’t reply when you are stressed, don’t reply when you’re angry or experiencing some other negative emotion. Don’t reply to people who are creeps and looking to hurt you. Trust that gut instinct.

[Nirianne]

When someone is interested, they’ll invest time into you. Time is a valuable currency. Do not forget this. While not tangible, it’s currency that benefits both sides. The return on that is a rock solid relationship. I believe when someone likes or admires you (whether romantically, platonically, or testing the waters) they’ll make time for you and don’t bail on you when you need an ear.

[AquilaTempestas]

My main reason for being single my entire life stems from this one person back in my earlier years of university that really had a huge impact on the idea of romance. 

I remember it very clearly as if it happened recently. It’s not something I ever told to any family member or any IRL friend. Heck, I don’t even like mentioning it to online friends because it’s something I’d like to erase from my memory. Here we go.

I was 19 at the time and we had this group assignment. This guy from the perceived “cool group” joined mine willingly - I was with two Asian kids who didn’t really speak English, so I was happy that one of the cool guys joined my group. 

Anyways. He seemed perfect - great sense of humour, really friendly, bla bla bla. You know the drill. He was like that cool guy in the teenage movies that all the girls liked. He was just a smooth talker and was so confident about everything. That should’ve been a red flag to me but I didn’t notice.

He was one of those grammar kids - for context, these guys and girls came from the elite private schools in the city. My school was on the same level but far away from the city so nowhere near as expensive. 

We got on really well. For the first time since I was 14, I was interested in this guy. We even caught the train together -and we’d talk for like an hour. He always knew the right words to say and just had this bold confident smoothness to him. I thought he ticked all the boxes of “guy is interested in girl” because a lot of what has been mentioned in this thread happened.

Then one day he started giving me the cold shoulder out of the blue. It was really odd because the day before we were getting on great and I was so close to inviting him to do something fun together.

It never got to that stage.

I don’t know if it was something I had said. I didn’t know if I had somehow offended him. I spent a bit of time obsessing over what I had done - why has he suddenly given me the cold shoulder? It was like I no longer existed. Even our online conversations had turned into one worded responses. All I could think of was what the hell? 

The next day at university it was like we didn’t even know each other. Totally snubbed. I found him with some other girl I hadn’t seen him with before. My first degree was on the small campus so everyone kinda knew each other. And she was new to me. He had his arm around her and she was all snuggly with him. I remember that he had given her his jacket too to keep her warm. That’s when I realized: “Wow dude had just gotten bored of me and found some other girl that satisfied his needs and wants. What a damn fool I had been to ever think of anything else.” I should’ve noticed the signals - the over the top confidence, the smooth conversation, always knowing what to say and so on and on, that bold practiced look, but this guy was just a major flirt and moved on from girl to girl after a period of time. Most of his friends on his social media account were females. All red flags. I’m pretty sure I was in tears at one point and venting listening to some Taylor Swift songs (my opinion on her really changed because of this). What a moron I had been to ever had gotten my hopes up. I blamed myself. How could I have been such a goddamn bloody moron?  

Needless to say, I’ve had doubts about men and their intentions ever since. I never wanted to be in that position again - to actually think someone was interested in me and get on a high over it when everything was just one big practiced act. It was an ugly time - so many crushing thoughts and a huge blow to my self-esteem and I had no one to talk to about it all but myself. I was crushed. Absolutely devastated.

For many years I convinced myself that any guy who showed any sort of interest - the signals shared here - was just a player. Trust no one. Don’t believe in the “signs” because they’re fake because there’s no reason why someone would genuinely be interested in me. 

It was quite a few years before I thought I would give it another shot. I ended up in a workplace with an old school friend I hadn’t seen since primary school. We went to a show together and he was all so gentleman-like… and things were going all right. After about a month, communication died. Sometime later, I discovered on Facebook that he was now in a relationship with that girl that used to be part of my friendship group back in primary school and they were going to have a kid. Well, once again I had been a moron and thus the cycle of “wow I’m a moron”’ started up again. I was 23.

Ever since then I’ve been “on guard”. Very suspicious. I kinda just convinced myself it was better to avoid the whole idea of romance and fake being asexual only to protect myself from those ugly emotions of hurt and helplessness. I did dabble in the world of online dating for a short time when I was 27 to see what all the fuss was about but nothing amounted from that either. I kinda just gradually had to come to terms that sorta life is fading away.

The idea of ever experiencing “what love is” continues to fall out of my reach and most likely never will be a thing but just a dream I entertain myself with in stories. Am I completely closed off from the experience? No, but I am wary.

[Dementor]

Aw, sorry to hear that you had to be through this shit @AquilaTempestas. I just don't understand how can one do shit like this to a girl (or, well, any person), it's just against my nature to act like this. Just like you, I'm always trying to respond as soon as possible, not longer than in 24h.

[AquilaTempestas]

2 minutes ago, Dementor said:

Aw, sorry to hear that you had to be through this shit @AquilaTempestas. I just don't understand how can one do shit like this to a girl (or, well, any person), it's just against my nature to act like this. Just like you, I'm always trying to respond as soon as possible, not longer than in 24h.

It was certainly a big “wow” moment. Definitely made me rethink my life a bit that’s for sure! Though even though it sucked, I’m some ways it’s good that it happened. Made me pay more attention to the “signs” and “red flags” a bit more.

[Dementor]

1 minute ago, AquilaTempestas said:

It was certainly a big “wow” moment. Definitely made me rethink my life a bit that’s for sure! Though even though it sucked, I’m some ways it’s good that it happened. Made me pay more attention to the “signs” and “red flags” a bit more.

Oh yeah, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, and every bad experience is a good lesson.

[AquilaTempestas]

1 minute ago, Dementor said:

Oh yeah, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, and every bad experience is a good lesson.

For sure. I still sometimes look back on it now and think “if I had the knowledge I have now, would I have acted differently?” Fascinating stuff.

[Nirianne]

12 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Then one day he started giving me the cold shoulder out of the blue. It was really odd because the day before we were getting on great and I was so close to inviting him to do something fun together.

That’s awful, ffs. People like that have no redeeming qualities other than being fake and pretending to be interested. I don’t think you said anything wrong or anything to offend him; people don’t need a reason to discard others. People are expendable. Hate people like that.

It’s terrible you’ve experienced this at a young age and it certainly warps your perception of guys and the whole dating scenario. However, it’s not all bad. You become guarded, wiser, and aware. Had you fully fallen into his trap, your life may have been very different and chances are, it won’t be in a good way, either.

[AquilaTempestas]

1 hour ago, Nirianne said:

That’s awful, ffs. People like that have no redeeming qualities other than being fake and pretending to be interested. I don’t think you said anything wrong or anything to offend him; people don’t need a reason to discard others. People are expendable. Hate people like that.

It’s terrible you’ve experienced this at a young age and it certainly warps your perception of guys and the whole dating scenario. However, it’s not all bad. You become guarded, wiser, and aware. Had you fully fallen into his trap, your life may have been very different and chances are, it won’t be in a good way, either.

Yup. Sadly, it does happen and it does mess with your perception a bit. It’s hard to trust your judgement when you got it so horribly wrong  the first time too. That one really stung. The fact that I remember it all so clearly says enough.

But even though it was a shite experience, it’s taught me to be cautious and not be so easily fooled into false hopes. I hope haha.

[Nirianne]

15 minutes ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Yup. Sadly, it does happen and it does mess with your perception a bit. It’s hard to trust your judgement when you got it so horribly wrong  the first time too. That one really stung. The fact that I remember it all so clearly says enough.

But even though it was a shite experience, it’s taught me to be cautious and not be so easily fooled into false hopes. I hope haha.

You dodged a bullet. People are super weird, man.

[AquilaTempestas]

3 hours ago, Nirianne said:

You dodged a bullet. People are super weird, man.

And I never understand why people do it.

I suppose he just liked the attention. Rich kid. Good part of town.

So I looked up typical signs of a player/flirt and he ticked a lot of those off. I kinda wish I had known back then, but I suppose at the time you kinda wanna believe that stuff is all wrong. Sigh.

[Nirianne]

11 minutes ago, AquilaTempestas said:

And I never understand why people do it.

I suppose he just liked the attention. Rich kid. Good part of town.

So I looked up typical signs of a player/flirt and he ticked a lot of those off. I kinda wish I had known back then, but I suppose at the time you kinda wanna believe that stuff is all wrong. Sigh.

They only do it so validate their position and of course like you mentioned, attention. That's the only reason why any slimeball would do it. Or worse, his buddies put him up to it as a dare which is extra cruel. You were young, you wouldn't have known any better but because of this once incident, it makes sense why the guard's up. At least it protected you from future slimeballs.

[AquilaTempestas]

On 7/13/2022 at 8:29 PM, Nirianne said:

They only do it so validate their position and of course like you mentioned, attention. That's the only reason why any slimeball would do it. Or worse, his buddies put him up to it as a dare which is extra cruel. You were young, you wouldn't have known any better but because of this once incident, it makes sense why the guard's up. At least it protected you from future slimeballs.

Very true! Sometimes, you gotta learn things the hard way.

So, we’ve discussed positive attraction but what are clear cut signs that person is just not that into you as you would like?

[Nirianne]

8 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Very true! Sometimes, you gotta learn things the hard way.

So, we’ve discussed positive attraction but what are clear cut signs that person is just not that into you as you would like?

They don’t put in the same effort as you do or reciprocate your feelings. They often dismiss cues on purpose or change the subject.

[AquilaTempestas]

13 hours ago, Nirianne said:

They don’t put in the same effort as you do or reciprocate your feelings. They often dismiss cues on purpose or change the subject.

Fair point!

I think another big one would be they talk about other girls or guys in front of you.

They tell you.

They ignore you - could be not replying, ghosting you, one word responses, looking at phone etc

They never remember a word you say nor do they care about conversations with you.

 

[Nirianne]

12 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Fair point!

I think another big one would be they talk about other girls or guys in front of you.

They tell you.

They ignore you - could be not replying, ghosting you, one word responses, looking at phone etc

They never remember a word you say nor do they care about conversations with you.

 

And they’re dismissive or they tell you (finally) they don’t care about your concerns. 

[AquilaTempestas]

25 minutes ago, Nirianne said:

And they’re dismissive or they tell you (finally) they don’t care about your concerns. 

Agreed. Also, you just get a gut feeling they don't care about you in the same way you do about them.

 

[Nirianne]

2 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Agreed. Also, you just get a gut feeling they don't care about you in the same way you do about them.

 

Always trust your gut. While it's no brain, it's certainly something to listen to when you have doubts. There's a reason why it'll behave a certain way with people, or, questionable people at most.

[AquilaTempestas]

14 minutes ago, Nirianne said:

Always trust your gut. While it's no brain, it's certainly something to listen to when you have doubts. There's a reason why it'll behave a certain way with people, or, questionable people at most.

Yeah, you get a bad vibe. Remember that crazy dude who tried to turn you, Line and me against each other? Dude was nuts.

So yeah, I guess the main one really is 'ignoring you and showing strong disinterest' as in trying to avoid conversations with you and so on.

[AquilaTempestas]

Just throwing this in..

You know what the worst part is?

Knowing the other person will never ever like you back the way you want.

[Dementor]

10 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Just throwing this in..

You know what the worst part is?

Knowing the other person will never ever like you back the way you want.

And it's okay, no? You cannot control other people, but by treating them right you can get them to treat you right too. Like, I'm absolutely content with how my bestie treats me. I know she likes me as I am, and I like her as she is, so what else is needed?

[AquilaTempestas]

13 minutes ago, Dementor said:

And it's okay, no? You cannot control other people, but by treating them right you can get them to treat you right too. Like, I'm absolutely content with how my bestie treats me. I know she likes me as I am, and I like her as she is, so what else is needed?

It’s the continuous feeling of rejection and foolishness which eventually leads to boredom. 

[SilveryMoonShadow]

Pursuing people who you don't like you back aren't worth the hassle. You have three options -

• slowly ditch them - reduce contact, distance yourself and so on. They'll get the hint
• find someone else who will recriprocate then the person you were 'interested in' will no longer be a problem for you. You still have friendly relatiions with the person.
• accept being friendzoned but those feelings aren't going to change for a long time. It's very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you like in that way when feelings only exist on one side. Don't waste your time on someone who won't fight for you.

Ask yourself - is it worth the fight and effort? Are you happy being friendzoned permanently? 

[AquilaTempestas]

Have you ever wondered why we want people who don’t want us back? You like a person but they’re just not interested in you in that way? And then you’re stuck in a weird headspace where you are trying to get over them but you also don’t wanna lose them either?

I had a conversation with someone about it recently and it’s a fascinating topic. Why do we torture ourselves with unrequited interest? Why do we sometimes run away when someone does show interest?