The Laws of Attraction

[AquilaTempestas]

So. I thought this would not only be useful when it comes to writing (because I know a lot of us like to include romance in our writings), but also a general life thing.

Yes. The official romance thread has arrived folks. I thought it would be interesting to get a bunch of different perspectives about the 'mating game' ahaha. We are a diverse community of different genders, races, and experiences after all.

To paint a generic perspective....

Women are mystified by men. Men claim to be simple creatures but is this really true?

Women ask, "Does he like me?" which has contributed too many magazines and Reddit threads trying to decipher the 'CODE'.

And men think, "There's no way she's interested in me" and girl gets frustrated that boy does not notice and moves on.

So. Lads and lasses of Tazland. The big questions.

• What does attraction feel like to you?
• How do you show someone you have some interest in them?
• What do you when you're totally not interested?
• What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?
• How do you get over rejection?
• Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

 

Go wild. But don't bite. 

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[TheWaffleKing]

This is going to differ from guy to guy, but my two cents on what I do.

• If I don't like the girl, I won't make time for her
• If I have to talk to her, it'll be forced and short conversations. Don't smile. Don't make jokes. Give one ended-conversations
• I don't use social media. I can't give advice on that
• Body language is key. Don't make eye contact. Bored tone of voice. Arms folded.
• Don't reply to her texts/messages. If I have to then make them closed ended.

[Hikari]

4 minutes ago, TheWaffleKing said:

This is going to differ from guy to guy, but my two cents on what I do.

• If I don't like the girl, I won't make time for her
• If I have to talk to her, it'll be forced and short conversations. Don't smile. Don't make jokes. Give one ended-conversations
• I don't use social media. I can't give advice on that
• Body language is key. Don't make eye contact. Bored tone of voice. Arms folded.
• Don't reply to her texts/messages. If I have to then make them closed ended.

I should probably follow some of that advice, I tend to be too nice so there has been more than a good handful of guys who have asked me out and I’ve rejected lol

[AquilaTempestas]

Hmm, this is a toughie even though I asked it. But based on my limited interactions....

*thinks back to highschool*

I was always genuinely surprised when someone wanted to talk to me, and there was this guy that was always very nice to me. The only people who stood in our way were his cousin and ex-girlfriend, so naturally that made things very awkward (nothing ever happened because I moved back to Australia). During lunch hours, I'd often go down to the basketball courts to shoot some hoops. And he would come over to (he was actually on the basketball team) and join in on the fun (usually with a friend or so). I never thought much about it at the time, but I got a bit suspicious when all his friends were also nice to me (that didn't talk to me much before heh). 

I remember I'd try and avoid him as much as possible hahaha, and it wasn't because I didn't like him, but it was more out of fear of others finding out. I'd try not to make any eye contact and kinda hide behind my good close tight knit group of male friends. It was a small school and there weren't many places to hide, so had to get creative and go around the back. I then noticed he'd always just be around in the area, hang around for pointless conversations, and always seem to be near in the classroom haha - or at least, within my eyesight range, so I'd always have to be looking in his general direction. 

It's true what people say methinks. People come and go, but you'll never forget how someone made you feel regardless if it was pain or love. You'll remember those events.

Over a decade later past high school... I've tried the online dating thing to see what the big fuss was all about. Went out and met a few guys and was bored out of my mind. I can say this.... Girls aren't really that different from dudes when it comes to showing disinterest. I typically (or maybe it's just a 'me' thing), but if I do not like you...

• I won't message you. I won't reply to texts. I won't give you any time of my day. So, if I actually reply to a message within a week, consider me somewhat interested.
• I'll give one word responses if in person. There'll be these weird awkward silences. It's because I'm bored out of my mind. 
• If I give you a one word response online and no attempt at conversation is made on my end after that, it's because I really don't want to talk to you.

That's a few things.

[Nocturna]

I don't think I've had the experience of someone else being romantically interested in me without it being requited, though I have lost interest in an online relationship before. 

In the event you lose interest in a relationship its important you're straight forward with them. It saves more hurt in the long run. 

 

In regards to me being interested in others, my love life has not been the smoothest lol

I'm really hard at showing my interest in people, I either clam up or get visibly giddy towards them. Which can sometimes scare them off. 

I am really bad at telling the person about my feelings though, there's only been two people I confessed to and the first went badly. The second became my girlfriend, and I'm still surprised that happened like that.

It's infinitely harder for me to gauge interest in girls tho than it is with guys. My first crush on a girl, she was my friend and openly into other girls but I have no 'gaydar'. I couldn't tell if when she was making innuendos and asking me to hang out if it was friendly or flirting. 

 

I do get over rejection pretty quick though, even if I have a good cry at first. I've had my interest shift or die within a month, especially in regards to my second crush where he acted rude to me at some point and I just thought 'fuck you, moving on'. 

[Caffeinearted]

For me, there's a lot that makes up a relationship, and also a lot of factors that are really important to me. What applies to me may not potentially apply to others, but nonetheless this is how I see and feel things;

I'm a very clingy person by nature, and I pour myself deeply into any relationship I'm in - whatever we're doing, may it be talking, gaming or so on, I forever like to make my other half feel involved and included, even when I go off on a tangent rambling about something.

In terms of the things that attract me and the things that I like in a person, I don't really go for physical attributes myself to start off a relationship. Of course, I have to feel attracted to how they look too, but it isn't the first thing I look to. That's why I have most luck with long distance relationships, because I can get a sense of someone's personality first and foremost.

And well.. it is so much easier because then people don't judge me based on looks either (I'm severely physically disabled, so people would often judge that before anything else.. it sucks, but I think people don't like that commitment). For me, if someone can make me happy and make me laugh and make me feel as thought I don't need to hide anything about myself, then I know they're right for me.

I met my current partner of ongoing almost 3 years via a game we both mutually play (FFXIV) and it's very much LDR - me being England and him being France. It has admittedly had its rough patches, seeing as we first got together back just before the pandemic stuff started (which has destroyed so many chances of meeting up) but it's a good learning experience.

 

Being someone who is attracted to people regardless of gender or identity, what matters first and foremost is personality. But that's just my take on it anywho.

 

 

[AquilaTempestas]

On 3/20/2022 at 1:14 AM, Caffeinearted said:

For me, there's a lot that makes up a relationship, and also a lot of factors that are really important to me. What applies to me may not potentially apply to others, but nonetheless this is how I see and feel things;

I'm a very clingy person by nature, and I pour myself deeply into any relationship I'm in - whatever we're doing, may it be talking, gaming or so on, I forever like to make my other half feel involved and included, even when I go off on a tangent rambling about something.

In terms of the things that attract me and the things that I like in a person, I don't really go for physical attributes myself to start off a relationship. Of course, I have to feel attracted to how they look too, but it isn't the first thing I look to. That's why I have most luck with long distance relationships, because I can get a sense of someone's personality first and foremost.

And well.. it is so much easier because then people don't judge me based on looks either (I'm severely physically disabled, so people would often judge that before anything else.. it sucks, but I think people don't like that commitment). For me, if someone can make me happy and make me laugh and make me feel as thought I don't need to hide anything about myself, then I know they're right for me.

I met my current partner of ongoing almost 3 years via a game we both mutually play (FFXIV) and it's very much LDR - me being England and him being France. It has admittedly had its rough patches, seeing as we first got together back just before the pandemic stuff started (which has destroyed so many chances of meeting up) but it's a good learning experience.

 

Being someone who is attracted to people regardless of gender or identity, what matters first and foremost is personality. But that's just my take on it anywho.

 

 

Yeah, I totally agree with personality. Humour is extremely important to me - if you take things too seriously, I don't think we're gonna work out. 

I'm not a clingy person by nature so I like to have a lot of space. Otherwise I get a bit angsty and bored.

[Exelior]

So... I might actually have a bit of a unique perspective on all of this, because I consider myself Asexual/ possibly Aromantic? (A fact that might send at least a few people I know through a loop lol)

 

 I've always felt like I wouldn't MIND a relationship if someone I cared about was interested, but I've never felt a compulsion or need to get into one, nor do I get hit with these feelings that other people apparently do like being fascinated by other people's bodies or yearning for something beyond a close friendship.

 

 It's not like I don't understand this stuff or could emulate it, but... It's a very detached view, and thus sometimes I feel like I can avoid the bullshit a bit lol. When other people seem to make things overcomplicated it seems very easy to me.

 

 What does attraction feel like;

 

I can't exactly answer what attraction feels like to me, but, so far anyway, the closest I've gotten is simply a close friendship. I remember back in college at one point, a girl I was friends with (who herself said she was similarly Asexual... Whether that's true or not idk but I tend to take people's words on their own feelings) got tired and leaned her head on my shoulder while listening to a lecture, and I didn't mind all that much - that's probably what I can expect for myself in a future relationship, one where I might not YEARN for something, but feel comfortable enough to have that sort of contact while... Probably still appreciating the emotional connection more than anything.

 

How do you show interest;

 

Bit of a tricky question for me. I've never felt any such urge - but what I feel is the right thing to do if I DID? And how I'd hope other people would do for me? I'd want myself to be honest about my feelings. Obviously, easier said than done, especially, I imagine, for someone who's genuinely got an attachment theybdont want to lose, but whether you say it or not won't change the other person's feelings, so rather than trying to "flirt" or send "hints", if you have an interest in someone, you need to shoot your shot and just see what the answer is, imo there isn't really a way around this.

 

 What do you do when you're not interested;

I mean, are we assuming that they ARE interested and I'm not? Well, I remember once, when I was younger and less mature, by response was to just avoid them - nowadays I'd expect myself to be a whole lot less harsh than that. Again, the answer is to be transparent about how you feel. They can't expect you to return feelings and you shouldn't feel like you should either, how things go from that point on should really be talked about between both parties. Again, probably easier said than done, but if you ask me frpm my, admittedly, detached POV, communication is the one thing people seem to lack when it comes to confusion over this stuff.

 Of course, if they start to make you feel uncomfortable by continuing to show feelings, you shouldn't be afraid to set boundaries either. To me, for obvious reasons, it's important that people respect the feelings of others, or lack thereof.

 

What even is flirting;

 

well... There's not much to discern it unless you're being REALLY overboard with your flirting. I mean, I can imagine some of the stuff i say and my friends say back, taken out of context, could probably be considered not just flirting, but EXTREME flirting lmao, but it's literally just banter and I can garuantee that for a fact.

 

 The only time it'd be really obvious is if, say, you meet someone for the first time and put your flirt game on where it's expected - like at a bar or something?

 

 Thus, why I don't believe in relying on flirting and think people should just be more honest and open about how they feel. I consider it... Rather inneficiant.

 

 How to deal with rejection;

 

Couldn't say. Never been rejected cause I've never gone after someone, but... I'd expect, even if it hurts, for someone to understand that you cannot EXPECT someone to return feelings.

 

 There's no discussion on that matter, if someone isn't interested the best thing you can do is accept those feelings and move on, you're only going to make things worse if you don't.

 

 Again the best thing to do is communicate though... If you say you need space afterwards I think that's also perfectly fine. I'm sure a rejection WOULD be hard to work through, and the other person should also respect that as much as you should respect their turning you down.

 

Are online friendships real;

 

Yes. Of course they are, some of my best friends have been online.

 

 Don't get me wrong, you need face to face interaction. We haven't quite evolved to get the same boost out of text or disembodied voices as hanging out with irl friends, so they probably aren't gonna be QUITE as strong, but any emotional connection to someone else is still perfectly valid.

 

 As for romantic relationships... Hm... I mean - I've seen at least two YouTube couples that I can think of who started out online before moving together, and they have some of the strongest relationships I know. (Felix and Maria, Jeannie and Henry from MXR)

 

 But I don't think it's controversial to say that you probably need to meet in person before you can really start to see the potential of the relationship.

[Ace of Spies]

I'm gonna give this my best shot but honestly, *deep sigh* I don't know everyone is different and in general the way I interact with each person is different, so it's hard to set any kind of blanket statement to this

• What does attraction feel like to you?

Well, there are different levels of attraction. But to me, the first cue I get from myself that I'm attracted to someone is a desire to get to know them better. To see more of them and talk to them more. Not that it matters given my amount of free time being basically nonexistent but what can ya do.

• How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

I... actually don't know. I've technically never asked anyone out, every time I've been the one approached. Huh.

• What do you when you're totally not interested?

Well I'm totally not interested in most people so I just treat them like I treat everyone else  

• What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

I don't know how to describe it, but there are definitely tells. Flirting is essentially just a pointed way of being nice. Directed at a singular person, making them feel like you're focusing on them with your kindness and not just doing it out of your kind heart. Or something. Fuck, I don't know. I suck at this.

• How do you get over rejection?

Uh.... I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea? I can only say how I've gotten over a relationship ending as oppose to being rejected, and it fucking sucks. I feel miserable. I spend the next week and a half (more depending on how long and important the relationship was) wondering if things could've been different, things I would've said differently or different decisions I could've made.... the way I get over it is eventually feeling burned out and apathetic, and then I slowly reset like a wind-up toy. It's really rather pathetic. 

• Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

Online friendships are absolutely real, but you really gotta work for it. Make them part of your daily life and make sure they feel attached to you as a person, not just your online persona. Face to face interaction is so huge between people. Without it, online friendships can be real, sure, but it's hard to say it matches close friends you know in person.

Long distance relationships? What? No, of course they're not real. A real romantic relationship requires you to at least meet in person. Long distance relationships only work if you see each often, and in person. Otherwise, what's the difference between that and an acquaintance. Perhaps it can start out that way but at some point you're going to have to actually be around them.

Oh, look at me, me and this girl online exchanged usernames and now I call her my girlfriend. We're dating and its totally real, except I've seen her face like once and she's basically just a stranger with an arbitrary label.

Nah. At the end of the day, being in a relationship means being part of each other's lives. It does not mean you play video games together every now and then. 

I suppose it depends on the type of romantic relationship and type of long distance thing it is. But specifically online ones are not real unless you're part of each other's daily lives. You're constantly striving to make up for a huge lack of intimacy and connection and most people cannot accomplish it.

[AquilaTempestas]

5 hours ago, Ace of Spies said:

I'm gonna give this my best shot but honestly, *deep sigh* I don't know everyone is different and in general the way I interact with each person is different, so it's hard to set any kind of blanket statement to this

• What does attraction feel like to you?

Well, there are different levels of attraction. But to me, the first cue I get from myself that I'm attracted to someone is a desire to get to know them better. To see more of them and talk to them more. Not that it matters given my amount of free time being basically nonexistent but what can ya do.

• How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

I... actually don't know. I've technically never asked anyone out, every time I've been the one approached. Huh.

• What do you when you're totally not interested?

Well I'm totally not interested in most people so I just treat them like I treat everyone else  

• What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

I don't know how to describe it, but there are definitely tells. Flirting is essentially just a pointed way of being nice. Directed at a singular person, making them feel like you're focusing on them with your kindness and not just doing it out of your kind heart. Or something. Fuck, I don't know. I suck at this.

• How do you get over rejection?

Uh.... I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea? I can only say how I've gotten over a relationship ending as oppose to being rejected, and it fucking sucks. I feel miserable. I spend the next week and a half (more depending on how long and important the relationship was) wondering if things could've been different, things I would've said differently or different decisions I could've made.... the way I get over it is eventually feeling burned out and apathetic, and then I slowly reset like a wind-up toy. It's really rather pathetic. 

• Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

Online friendships are absolutely real, but you really gotta work for it. Make them part of your daily life and make sure they feel attached to you as a person, not just your online persona. Face to face interaction is so huge between people. Without it, online friendships can be real, sure, but it's hard to say it matches close friends you know in person.

Long distance relationships? What? No, of course they're not real. A real romantic relationship requires you to at least meet in person. Long distance relationships only work if you see each often, and in person. Otherwise, what's the difference between that and an acquaintance. Perhaps it can start out that way but at some point you're going to have to actually be around them.

Oh, look at me, me and this girl online exchanged usernames and now I call her my girlfriend. We're dating and its totally real, except I've seen her face like once and she's basically just a stranger with an arbitrary label.

Nah. At the end of the day, being in a relationship means being part of each other's lives. It does not mean you play video games together every now and then. 

I suppose it depends on the type of romantic relationship and type of long distance thing it is. But specifically online ones are not real unless you're part of each other's daily lives. You're constantly striving to make up for a huge lack of intimacy and connection and most people cannot accomplish it.

I guess it is a bit debatable about the online relationships thing. I knew someone who had one for years (thanks to League of Legends of all things) but they were always striving to meet each other in person (they did and got married and are still together after a decade lol). It also worked for them coz neither of them were very touchy feely sorta people so physically being near each other wasn't that big a of a deal lol (though, like I said, they did eventually meet and all was well).

But yeah, I do agree. You can be in love with the idea of that person online - but you're never really gonna know if romance is a certainty unless you have that face to face contact (because online person can be totally different to how they are online). Even if you're both asexual (and introverted) - well, that might be different I suppose? I don't know. Long distance friendships? Totally fine because you don't need that physical intimacy in the same way.

 

 

[SilveryMoonShadow]

I agree with @Ace of Spies. You just can't have a romantic relationship with someone without ever seeing them in person. 

Online relationships do not exist and never will be 'real' 

[BurningAngel]

disagree with not finding love online. an emotional bond comes first - if you cannot connect with them online, how are you going to form that connection in person? love isn't just purely physical. i found the love of my life online - and then we eventually met in person several years later. now we're married with two kids and i wouldn't ask for anything else. there is someone for everyone. 

[RipplingLocust]

I'm an extrovert and meet people the old-fashioned way - bars, clubs, festivals, tour groups etc.

Meeting other people through friends helps as well. 

[Wizarmonfan]

On 5/9/2022 at 5:12 PM, BurningAngel said:

disagree with not finding love online. an emotional bond comes first - if you cannot connect with them online, how are you going to form that connection in person? love isn't just purely physical. i found the love of my life online - and then we eventually met in person several years later. now we're married with two kids and i wouldn't ask for anything else. there is someone for everyone. 

Agreeing with the emotional bond coming first.

[RedFang]

Also an extrovert here. Ya gotta go out and meet people. You could form a great relationship with online sure, but it's not the same as IRL. Touch. Sight. Smell even.Can online friendships become romantic? Yeah,  maybe, but ya gotta meet them first. You'll never know what love is if you don't spend time with that person. 

If I'm interested in someone, I'll be upfront about it. No beating around the bush and playing little games. 

• Eye contact
• Making her laugh. Banter is good.
• Be calm
• Smile
• Compliments (nice ones. don't make random sexual comments. Say good things about her personality or something.)
• Listen to her. Be a good listener
• See how she reacts to touch
• If you're in a social group? Direct your attention to her. Face her.

Got that part down and she's reacting in a positive way? Next step. Ask them if they wanna go out with you and do something you'll both like. You gotta be careful or she might think you're a creep. If you gel, great. If you don't, find the next person.

There's a difference between flirting and being nice. You flirt with the intent of taking things to the next level. Being nice? It's just about being a nice person. There's no intention to get all physical with that person. I'm nice to girls I don't wanna date. I'm flirty to the girls I do wanna date. Jokes. Laughter. All that. Always pay on the first date if you're a guy. If she offers to split, refuse. 

[Nirianne]

What does attraction feel like to you?

I don't even know, tbh. I'm attracted emotionally first and physically second. To me, emotional attraction says much about a person's character and personality, how they interact with other people and yourself, included. Doesn't make sense to me to be attracted to someone who's a looker but has a personality as dry and dead as roadkill or is a dried up a-hole or prune of a human.

Whether is online/offline relationships, emotional attraction glues the relationship together (whether romantic or platonic). Without it, it feels dead and one-sided at times and that's not how to live life. I mean, the imp thing as long as you can get along with the other person and adore and acknowledge for their faults of being human, then you're doing alright. Personally, emotional attraction makes me feel good and alive. Lol, I'm not sure what else to say!

How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

When the "talk" comes up, I tell them. Sometimes, I don't tell them but I do things for them that don't need asking. I let my actions speak louder than my words.

What do you when you're totally not interested?

I state my boundaries and remain friendly/civil.

What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

I don't know the difference. 

Source: I'm dense.

How do you get over rejection?

Hmmm... I've never been rejected but I've been dumped before but here's my two cents. I mull it over the first couple of days. From personal experiences, the heart squeezes itself to the point I think I'm going to die of a heart failure, tbh. Eventually I try to make peace with the situation and focus my attention on things that matter anyway. Over the days it gets better and the heart feels less weighted. During heartbreaks I eat and game and write to get all my angst out then I'll be back to normal. I don't take long to bounce back because mulling over it doesn't change the past.

Adding a bit more... I stand by the idea of time being precious. So wasting time thinking about them, about the what ifs and whatnot is a waste of my time as time is a commodity for me. Time is expensive.

Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

Yes, I wholeheartedly think so. All my previous relationships were online, long distance relationships and to me, they felt real. I don't need a physical relationship to validate it; on an emotional level, it felt 'right' and the body reacts accordingly. The heart flutters when they're online or when we do voice chat and laugh over dumb, mundane things. I know it wasn't infatuation when the other person is willing to spend hours of their day in crazy timezones waiting for you, to talk with you, to drop good morning/night messages, and so forth. Long distance relationships work when both parties invest time and space in one another. All relationships start with friendships, anyway and more often than not, they're all non-sexual, and are driven by shared interests.

I know people will see this differently but these are my personal views/experience.

Edited June 6, 2022 by Nirianne

[Wizarmonfan]

@NirianneAgreed. I've had the emotional attraction happen first a few times.

[AquilaTempestas]

To answer my own questions....

 

How do you get over rejection?

Well, I don't ask people so I don't have to worry about getting rejected heh.

 

What does attraction feel like to you?

Anything but sadness/depression/anger - basically, warm and fuzzy feelings!

 

How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

I don't ignore them.

 

What do you when you're totally not interested?

Ignore them.

 

What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

There's a difference?

 

[SilveryMoonShadow]

What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

It's important to establish the difference first. If a guy is just being nice, he'll treat you the same way he does with everyone else - just one of his mates. If he (or she) is being flirty, you'll know. There's a spark in your communication with them. These are just general signals - what works for someone may not work for another. But if you can tick a few of these points off, you're in business (or not). 

FLIRTY

• Touch is a key indicator
• If they mention they are single (indirectly or directly)
• Laughter - this one is mostly for guys as girls aren't often expected to be 'funny'. If she finds you hilarious, she'll laugh at all your jokes - even if they're terrible. It's a genuine laughter - not one of those fake polite ones. You'll know the difference. Girls want a guy who can make her laugh - guys want a girl who will laugh at his jokes. If you find he's becoming more 'excessive' with his jokes, he's just working harder to get a laugh out of you. 
• Probing questions - conversations go beyond the general/casual stuff. The goal here is intention - they are trying to learn more about you - what makes you tick, what do you want in life, what do you like.... So they know how to impress you. I had an ex who wanted to know what sort of food I loved - next thing I know, we're going to a restaurant of a food type I love.
• Attentive listening - if he or she is interested in you, they will be very attentive and rememmber what you say for a later conversation. Unless you have an elephant memory, you're not going to try and remember all the little details about all your friends unless you have an interest in them. 
• Mimicking - tone and pitch will match yours, you may hear him or her saying phrases/words you often use in conversation when they didn't before... there has been research done on this and it's not something you can actually control. 
• The hero instinct - If you're in trouble or needing assistance, he will try his best to help you in the best way he can. He will stand up for you and be a 'protector'. 
• Teasing - You've heard it before - guys like teasing girls they like. This is mostly true - if you find him throwing a lot of 'playful comments' your way, he's trying to banter with you. If she doesn't respond or looks annoyed, she's not into you. What should an interested girl do? Engage in banter.  Some guys and girls are naturally very flirty (be wary of these people). 
• Eye contact - He looks at you.

FRIENDLY

• They do not touch you [though some people, particularly girls, can be quite touchy so this isn't always a good indicator]
• If they mention they have a partner - this is a big signal they are being friendly
• He or she tries to set you up with their single friends
• Casual small talk - no deep and meaningfuls here. No inneudos aimed at you. You're not trying to learn more about the other person - you're just having a 'casual conversation'. He's not trying to bond with you.
• Laughter - if he says the same things to everyone in a social situation, then he's just a friendly happy-go-lucky sorta person. 
• Joking - It's no secret men are typically better at telling jokes than women are. If he doesn't make fun of you (in a non-spiteful cruel way), then he's simply not that interested in you. 

 

50/50

• Emotionally available - Girls will typically be a lot more open about their emotions and less hesitant to hold back on all the details. 
• Texting and replies - Some people are just really bad at texting. This is never a good indicator of interest. If he or she never replies, they're probably not interested in you at all. If he or she takes a week to reply, they may be stressed, busy with work or worried they're coming on too strong so they wait, if they reply within 24 hours that doesn't mean interest either - they're just being polite. Forget about emojis and likes on your social status networks. This is not an indictor of interest in you.
• Compliments - This is a tough one. Some people have just been brought up on good manners and will treat other people with respect. But if he or she is saying a lot more nice things about you than about others, then chances are they've got a deeper interest in you

 

Don't be disheartened if you have been 'friendzoned'. There's still a chance something can happen and some of the best relationships are the ones that evolved from strong friendship.

[Dementor]

Good post @SilveryMoonShadow.

Addressing the question from the OP:

Quote

• Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

After a nearly 20-year experience I can tell - yes they are. I've never had many friends in real life - just a couple buddies from school/college. Then I joined an online community of gamers and found many friends there with some of whom I'm still in touch. It was in 2005. Later I started my own online community and found some more friends there. Well, nearly every one of them lived in Moscow as well, but there were exceptions. Like, a girl whom I mentioned in the Within Temptation thread is from Latvia, after some time of active chatting we both realized we liked each other, a year later she came to Moscow and we met in reality and started the relationship that still lasts! This answers the second part of the question by the way. Some time later I became a part of another online community, international this time, and 5 people from that community, scattered around the world, remained in touch even after the forum's demise, and even met in reality one day, 5 years ago - gathered in an Italian town, coming from all around the world: UK, USA, Malaysia, Russia and, well, Italy. We still are in touch, helping each other in various ways when needed, and having dreams (not real plans so far, knowing how screwed up the world is today) about meeting IRL again. Well, in fact we had some things planned but COVID pandemic shattered them. 

Another very good friend of mine lived in Russia but in another town, my girlfriend accidentally discovered his forum about Nightwish and Xena the Warrior Princess, we were playing MMORPGs together for a while, and when we ditched it, we remain great friends still. Now he went to live in Turkey, which didn't affect us anyhow... so far, I hope.

So, shortly: yes, they are real.

[AquilaTempestas]

The whole friendly vs flirty thing is something that has always mystified me as @Nirianne stated.

I always think, 'Nah, he's totally like this with everyone and I'm just wishfully thinking' and I sit there sadly succumbing to the understanding that nothing will ever happen because it's obvious they don't feel the same way anyways. I suppose it's a bit sad clinging onto foolish hope, but eh, story of my life. Do I let those 'woe is me' feelings take over? No. I just accept to being friend-zoned for life and just have to cherish that. Better to have that person around than not have them at all ever. 

About online stuff. This is a pretty... heated debate. I kinda feel more extroverted people (or maybe people who just have a stronger sex drive) crave that physical intimacy in a way that introverts do not. I'm an introvert, and I find I get pretty tired if I'm around people for too long. I also don't go out of my way to socialise with people so I certainly do not crave physical intimacy. I'm far more comfortable building a relationship with someone online because I get to know them a lot better without having that judgement of appearance skew perspective. The way I see it - if you know what someone looks like beforehand it's going to affect how you see them (hello highschool me), but if you build that emotional connection first, the way that person looks won't change how I feel. 

So, about feelings. I wouldn't consider myself a romantic person - a lot of the 'stereotypical' couple stuff kinda freaks me out a bit. But it's amazing the impact people can have on you and how you simply can't control how you feel. You can try to turn it off, but there's no simple switch. It's that stage of dare I say, having a crush on someone - the feeling of joy you get when they're around (online or offline), that grin that pops up on your face when you read or hear something funny from them and people around you are like 'why are you smiling like a crazy person?', and that you are on such a high you tell your closest friends (and drive them crazy) about them and hope they're on board too. It's the stage that can motivate you to try things you haven't done before - to step out of your comfort zone a little - just so you can interact with them a little more because their very existence makes you realize that life is worth living for after all and not in a clingy way. It's not the whole 'god I can't live without you' but rather 'I'm so glad you exist'. 

I don't think there's any right or wrong about it. Ultimately, it comes down to what you and what the other person wants and no one else can really dictate what is real and what isn't. Whatever makes you happy - that's what's important. 

[Dementor]

Very well said @AquilaTempestas! I'm an introverted person too, and it's why I'm doing this well with online friendships/relationships compared to offline/RL ones.

[Moonblossoms]

I've never thought about dating, be it online or in person. Looks are just superficial, but I might get attracted to a person if he is being himself or if I think that I have more things common in him. Yet, I might get attracted to my polar opposites because they have traits which I don't possess. 

 

[BurningAngel]

disagree about texting not meaning anything. it doesn't matter if they're a lover, a crush, a friend, a family member, work colleague etc... it's rude not to reply. 

if someone does not reply it just means they do not value you at all. if they have 'forgotten' it's because you're not important.

 

[AquilaTempestas]

I think the other thing people need to consider is whether the person is an extrovert or an introvert. Extroverts enjoy being around other people and will actively do things that are around others. Take my cousin for example. She is always looking for excuses to get out of the house. I feel like extroverts are more forward to if they’re attracted. 

Introverts, such as myself, find social situations to be quite draining. Depending on how introverted you are, you may actually try to avoid social situations all together. Getting out of the house is like going on a big vacation even if it’s just down the road.

Anyways. Onto my point.

So, typically if an introvert is interested (either platonically or romantically - keep in mind romantic feelings can eventually surface after platonic) in someone else, they will actually not avoid social situations with that said person. If that person is happy to make time for you, you’ve gotten their interest. We typically don’t waste time on people we don’t like as this requires too much energy.

If you are interested in a fellow introvert, then you’ll understand why introverts need downtime and a lot of space. This is not typically a sign of rejection or dislike - it’s simply because introverts need quiet alone time to recharge. 

Anyways! As an introvert, the whole idea of friendships and relationships is a bit “what’s the point?” because that means social work and possible rejection. Usually (there are always exceptions!) introverts are pretty sensitive and think about things a lot.

For me personally, rejection is my number one biggest fear. This is why I’ve been single for my entire life thus far. The whole idea of commitment is intimidating so is the perceived threat of losing “my freedoms”. Even the mere thought of attraction is a one that invokes a lot of “where is the off button?” I’ve spent most of my life thinking “other people are weird and not worth the trouble”. It doesn’t help I’m not into partying, drinking, sleeping around etc - so that rules out a large amount of people from my radar. If you are into those things there’s a very good chance we’re just not going to get along well at all. 

if I don’t like you (platonically or romantically), I simply will not bother to reach out to you ever. If I give up my time to communicate with you, you’ve intrigued me and gotten past stage 1.

Stage 2 is all about bonding (again, either platonically or romantically). Building rapport. Forming a connection. Learning about the other person. You’ll soon figure out if there’s an actual connection or not. How can you tell? Well, there’s a certain spark that makes you happy.